Letting Go and Moving On
A few days ago a friend told me of an encounter she had with
a young person in regards to the blood drive.
This young person asked my friend why I continued to hold the blood
drive, wasn’t it time that I let go and moved on? After all, it’s been 3 years!
I don’t know who this person was, it’s not important that I know, but if one
person asked this question I’m sure there are others. So, I’d like to offer an
answer.
Losing a loved one is never an easy thing, be it a
grandparent, parent, cousin, friend or even a beloved pet. We grow up
understanding that there will be times in our lives when we will be destined to
mourn those we love. But a parent is not expected to lose a child. Ever. It is
unexpected, unimaginable, unfathomable. It is simply - unnatural. Others who
knew them may find it easy to forget and move on with their lives, but how are
we to ever let go of one who we carried within our bodies? Who we nursed and
nurtured and watched grow? Who we loved unconditionally and for whom we would
have willingly traded our own lives? It is an absolute impossibility. In fact,
suggesting to a bereaved parent that they “get over it and move on” is the
cruelest thing you could ever say. Had you died young, would it make you happy
to know that your parents just forgot you and went on with their lives, as if
your existence never mattered? No, we all desire to know that someone loved us
enough to mourn for us. After the death of a child, a parent really has only
one of two options. Either sink into depression and madness or do something –
anything - that helps us live with the loss. But forgetting, letting go, is
never an option.
“Ah” you say. “So this is why you continue to hold the blood
drives” No… there are other, far less public, things I can do to remember my
child. Although it helps, this is not
why the blood drives continue.
Roxanne herself began the blood drives on her 17th
birthday. It was her way of giving back to a community that had done so much
for us, to repay a debt she believed she owed. She asked that, in lieu of gifts
for herself, that her family and friends go out and donate blood. You see, in February of that year, she came
very close to death when her blood counts suddenly and drastically fell. She
recognized the fact that had it not been for six generous blood donors, she
would not have been there to celebrate her birthday at all. And had it not been
for those six blood donors, she would not have gotten to do the things she did
in the last few months of her life and I would have been robbed of some very
precious memories. Six strangers gave up
an hour of their time and a pint of their blood. In return, we got one more
birthday party, one more mother’s day card, one more slumber party, one more
picnic, one more late night heart to heart talk. We got a prom queen, a graduate and a
champion for blood donation.
And that’s the main reason I continue the blood drives every
year and why I strive to make it better and bigger. It’s not about me holding on to Roxanne or trying
to make sure that no one else forgets her.
I know that, over time, her memory will fade in the hearts and minds of
others, and that’s how it should be. It is unrealistic of me to think
otherwise. The blood drive is not about
me and my grief nor is it really even about Roxanne so much anymore. Yes, it gives me a positive and healing thing
to do for her birthday and yes it serves to honor her memory and one of her
final wishes. But the blood drive now is
mostly about….the blood. And the gift of
life - the gift of time - that it represents.
Each unit of blood has the potential of saving up to three
lives. To date, the Roxanne Adams Memorial Blood Drives have gathered a total
of 144 units of blood. That’s
potentially 432 lives that have been saved or prolonged.
432 more birthdays; 432 more picnics; 432 more slumber
parties (or campouts); 432 more heart to heart talks; 432 precious memories
that may never have been; 432 more Mother’s Day Cards.
You see dear young person, that’s why I continue to
hold the blood drives every year. It’s
my way of doing everything I can to give another mother the same gift of time
that I was given, or to spare another parent from the pain of this unholy grief. Even
if Roxanne had lived, we would be hosting the blood drive every year, because
that’s how much we believe in the importance of blood donation. We experienced it first-hand.
